I'm in a nonverbal place right now in my understanding of tarot. Like, I can sense what a card is showing but it's hard to put into words, and none of the words I put together seem quite right. And that doesn't feel great! I want to get "the message" right away from a card or a spread, preferably in an eloquent distilled, dialed-in soundbyte.
With the 4 of Pentacles, I once had an experience where I pulled it in a client reading and the song "How do You Solve a Problem like Maria" from the Sound of Music popped into my head. Because how DO you pin a wave upon the sand? I know that part of the reading was for me, too. What's the problem with letting some things just be as they are, without trying to explain and pin them down? What's behind this desire to structure everything? Why do I place more value on verbal explanations than essential understanding? What makes me think I have to find the right answer, or any answer at all? What makes me think any answer I could reason out would be the right one, anyway? And what will happen if I ease up and stop trying to make a card "make sense" to my brain and allow it to show its message to my heart?
Part of this contraction about not being able to verbalize the cards is a fear that if I can't communicate what I'm getting, how can I read for another person? How can I teach another person to read? How can I do this work full-time and support myself, if I can't do those things? My fear is that I'm not enough, that trusting my channel isn't enough, that I won't be able to make this work really my reality. And that means I'm holding onto my day job and my night job as I move into what I feel is my true calling because I'm not letting myself trust it's really for me, and that I won't make it work. (And of course that "not being able to verbalize" is a self-imposed judgement. How am I "not able" if I'm doing it right now?) Oh, Pentacles, you hit me right in the lack mindset.
All of this is part of my intention for my month, to let my heart take the lead, and surrender to the moment. (In my new moon void reading, The Hanged Man was the result card.) My mind can do all the contracted flailing it wants, but I don't have to accept that as truth. The biggest part of being open and clear is getting out of my own way. If I want to have a clear channel, I have to surrender. So that's my work for this month. Trusting myself, my channel, my work. Seeing these fears and brain static come up, and then letting them go. They get smaller and quieter every time I deal with them, and I identify with them less every time I can surrender and get out of the way.